In the beginning, I knew nothing.
When I watch littles ones I’ve been imagining what it must be like to feel so new, to have every day filled with discovery. And when I was a tween and teen, those awful years of puberty everything was again new. My bones ached. I didn’t know who or what I was. I tried personalities on as often as I changed my clothes. My life was on shifting sands; both frightening and a world of discovery and adventure.
How do I get back there? Or am I so wizened to be jaded?
Much of my adult life has been service: cleaning my house, making whites whiter, making sure dinners were healthy and on time, shuttling family back and forth, being a good teacher, helping my students learn, and generally being the best daughter, wife, mother, step-mother, friend and employee that I can be. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a lot of fun and a lot of joy. However, I’ve put lots of people, places, and things before myself for the greater family good.
But now I’m back at puberty. My bones ache and my life is on shifting sands of change.
What is it I really like? No, that’s not it.
What makes my pulse race and my heart beat with anticipation? What foods make feel good at the same time as having my taste buds come alive?
I sort of know, but not really. I don’t know what awakens that reptilian part of my brain anymore. I know what I enjoy but not what excites.
And so, I’ve begun a sort of scavenger hunt. Looking for those things – from smallest- wait- especially the smallest, because that will lead to the largest.
The world is bigger than my life and at the same time overwhelming. It’s an amusement park and it can be mine for the having.